Love yourself, honey!

I am a huge fan of RuPaul’s Drag Race. The drag artists' creativity and talents are top-notch. They have to be well-rounded performers under pressure. It’s amazing.

At the show's end, RuPaul always says, “If you don't love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

It was one of those things that I would hear but not HEAR.

Until recently.

It’s a phrase that creates irritation and some fear. Wait, we can’t find someone until we love ourselves? Okay, cool, I love myself. Easy, right? If it were that easy, wouldn’t things be quite different?

Loving ourselves can take focus, concentration, and consistency. Seriously. Love needs to be maintained for us by us too!

Embracing ALL of us and allowing ourselves to be human, make mistakes, and have joys, asking us to look at ourselves deeply is part of this journey. When we find things we don’t like about ourselves - the judgment, the beating the self up - we’re masters at that, letting ourselves know how awful we are. Whether we change that about ourselves doesn’t matter. Sometimes, we beat ourselves up over and over again. It can be an exhausting exercise that can go on for years.

Imagine if we cheered on and loved ourselves so much that all of us - the good, bad, ugly, and spectacular - what could we accomplish?

Who would be in our lives?

What would it be like?

What obstacles can we overcome?

Is loving ourselves the way to change our lives?

All the self-help books and baths won’t help us if we don't. We have to create the foundation for all these fantastic practices to plant in and bloom. (See what I did there?)

“Well, Mary, thanks for that. And what does that have to with RuPaul?”

I’m getting there.

Sometimes, we look to others to reassure us that all of us are okay. “If they love me, I’m good, and I can love myself too.” If there is something in us missing, we’re looking for someone else to either find it or fulfill it. We focus on having something and/or someone to see those places we don’t like that need healing and to make us whole. That’s what we learn, right? This other person makes me better - that’s what we know in romance movies and books.

It’s all a nice fantasy.

If we’re operating from that place, that loud place that craves attention and love in whatever way we can get it, healthy or unhealthy, we might not make the best choices for us. We’re trying to fix those parts of us that we don’t necessarily like. But we’re forgetting about the rest of us. We have to see the sum of our parts to make choices that will be healthy and happy for us.

If we’re operating from pain or our “faults,” the choices come from our desire to connect all our parts. We truly WANT to love ourselves. We just think someone else can do it better for us. But we know ourselves best and can love ourselves the best. We need love and connection from others to build our hearts and community, but it has to start with us. If we don’t, we will make choices based on only parts of the unhealthy us (which wants the most attention), and no relationship can sustain that.

So, if we love ourselves, how does it feel to love someone else when we’re in that place of genuinely accepting ourselves? No expectations of fixing things outside the relationship. You can focus on your space with this person and work on your foundation together. It creates space for healthy love. It creates space for happiness and joy.

We know this, right? Intellectually we do. Emotionally, that’s where it gets tricky. If we take time to get to know the person inside, we will find all those amazing things in us to love.

All of us.

Every last part.

And why not?

YOU. ARE. MAGIC.

That’s why RuPaul is right.

Loving ourselves helps us to know what we want and need from relationships and partnerships. We can bring ourselves 100% to a relationship in this way. More than once, I got out of a relationship and thought, “Whoa, what was that about? Why did I make that choice?” Lately, I’ve been finding exciting answers. Any relationship - work, family, friendships, and love - needs us to be in the right places for it to be reciprocal.

Because love truly is the answer, even for ourselves.