Don’t Make Assumptions: The Third of The Four Agreements
Blooming Blog Series
“Though we know most assumptions are baseless, we often still give them the weight of full agreements. The result? The violation of one-sided expectations is a major source of misunderstanding and suffering at all levels of life. Be aware and wary of your natural tendency to assume things about yourself, others and the world around you. Instead, look and listen without labels or judgement. Have the courage to ask questions and clarify. And remember, when someone or something surprises you – the failing isn’t theirs, it is yours.”
So far we’ve talked about the 1st Agreement Be Impeccable With Your Word: The First of The Four Agreements and the 2nd Agreement Don't Take Anything Personally: The Second of The Four Agreements.
Now we take a look at one we’ve been told all our life not to do - Don’t Make Assumptions.
One of the quotes I’ve seen floating around is expectations leads to disappointment and making assumptions can lead to similar feelings. When we fill in the blanks, we sometimes fill them in with cement, which creates the barriers we are trying so hard to avoid.
This can happen often with people that are close with us. For example, we may interrupt their day with a phone call and they can sound aggravated. We initially can assume it’s because we made the call. But could it be for reasons we don’t know about? Maybe they are having a bad day at work, maybe they got bad news, in other words, maybe it had nothing to do with us?
Imagine the freedom of not taking on what is going on with that person. This means we don’t fill in the blanks of what they are thinking and how they are feeling. We can ask them what’s going on and let them tell us what’s on their mind. And many times, what someone says isn’t what we assumed it was.
And what about times we make assumptions about ourselves? There is something we want to do - start a new exercise program, reach a goal to run our own business, learn how to do a new skill or explore your creativity. And then...here’s the phrase or something like it - “I can’t do that.”
How do you know if you haven’t tried? Or, even if you’ve tried and failed? Maybe that wasn’t the time.
I’m an example of this. I tried to make my Spiritual business work full time in 2002. I had to find a full time job a year later. I didn’t know how to run a business. At all.
I got the opportunity to try again in 2012. Those previous ten years, it was my side hustle. But I grabbed that opportunity. Was there still a lot I had to learn? Absolutely. There is still a lot to learn but I’m now more successful than I was before. And if I hadn’t given myself the 2nd chance, if I assumed it would be the same or I couldn’t do it, I wouldn't have tried again. And I’m so glad I did.
Could this be that we are just so used to filling in the blanks that our mind HAS to find an answer as to what is happening? What if we just let it be what it is. Or even ask a question or two as to what is going on? Then we can make decisions. Let’s clear it up sooner than later before hurt feelings happen.
Try it out. Know there could be other reasons or outcomes to what is in front of you. And talk yourself out of filling in the blanks. See how this reduces confusion, hurt and fear. The freedom from stress and hurt will improve your life and relationships.
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